It's not just me. 

Many of us ladies find ourselves answering questions and being a source of information. I have heard so many common threads, interesting perspectives, and downright entertaining stories that I thought I'd include a few here. Of course I've changed the names, but these are real people. (I will never put anything here that would reveal personal identity.) I hope you will appreciate the candor with which these gentlemen have communicated. Life, love, and sex...how thoroughly rich!

 

If you write to me with a question, I will try to answer you but I can't promise. I am kind of busy...:^)  If I find the topic to be instructive I will edit your question to remove anything that potentially identifies you before publishing it.

Also, it should be noted that I am not a therapist, but I knew one once. (That's a joke, son.)

 

Topics:

The question of love in the hobby

A newbie wants the scoop on reviewing

Anthony's sucky experience
David wants to surprise his wife
A "lurker" wants to play

 

Dear Jillian,

I read your post on "Love in the hobby" before and appreciated your honest advice.
Have you had customers become emotionally attached to you and how would you handle that situation?

Thank you,

Robert

Dear Robert,

Yes, I have had clients become emotionally involved with me, more than once. I am always very clear with gentlemen up front that I am strictly "not available" for a relationship outside of the "professional" one we share. However, occasionally a fellow will "fall for" me. When I sense that is happening, I do several things.

The first is to encourage him to see someone else. At this point I am not "firing him" as a client, just suggesting that he broaden his horizons and experiences. I make recommendations to him if he wants. I have never needed to fire a client for that, but I have needed to put some distance between us at times.

Some personalities, more "romantic types" can have a tendency to get too overboard. With what they sense as encouragement, they can actually become stalkers. This is all wrong, and dangerous invasive behavior. If a lady is vague about her boundaries, letting you take her out for lunch "off the clock" for example, it makes it very difficult for a gent to know how much she likes him. My personal feeling is that ladies should be very careful in this regard because it sends the wrong message.

The second thing I do is discuss with him in an honest fashion what it is exactly that his money is buying. It is very easy to get confused in the hobby, and not all providers are clear with their own boundaries. These boundaries should function for the protection of both parties. The nature of my business is that you get my attention for the time that you pay for. To put it bluntly, you pay for me to be completely devotedly focused on you for the allotted time. Of course that feels good! Or at least it should.

But therein lies the conundrum. If you give in to those good feelings, you can get swept away. I have one friend who says that he allows himself complete indulgence in the fantasy of the moment, but reserves a little of his logical mind to remind him that it is a fantasy. At the end of the time, this helps him to be able to let it go. It's almost like a vacation, you always have to pack up and leave the warm white sandy beaches and go home, hopefully refreshed.

~ Jillian

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Dear Jillian,

I am a little unsure of how to get off to a good start in the hobby. But more than that, I'm curious as to how the ladies feel about reviews and the overall participation of a hobbyist, how this affects one's success within the community and how to balance this with my personal preference to be a fairly private person. I realize that having a board handle and building up some references will get things started, but how much do you (the ladies) lean on reviews and postings in screening new friends? How many references or reviews does a fellow need to be accepted? I have met with one provider, but I didn't ask if she was comfortable giving references. Is this something that gets discussed at appointments or in emails? Or is it just one of the unwritten rules? Thanks, in advance, for considering my questions.

-John

Dear John,

Thanks for your interest in learning. Your questions are fabulous, and I will attempt to be informative.

The reviews you've seen on various review boards are ostensibly written for the other men. The idea is to share info so that others can get a sense of what a lady is like, what she offers, etc. But the other half of it is that the reviews are a solid way for the ladies to get business. You can understand how that works - when a guy reads a nice review, he is tempted to go see the lady.

Sometimes, reviews are a way for the guys to truly help each other out.
Other times they are a creative outlet for sensual description and creative writing.
Sometimes they are awesome and poetic, other times strictly informative.

Sometimes, they are a way to boast.

Sometimes they are a flagrant compliment meant to flatter the lady.

And every once in a great while they are a total pack of lies. I had a guy write a review of me on TER once that was total fiction. He gave me high marks, and I could have just left it there, but it was just not about me and would have been misleading to anyone reading it. So I had it removed.

There is no obligation to post a review. Many men just go about their business, read reviews and peruse websites and see who they want to see, making no commentary. The ladies will give references for the gentlemen they have seen, if a gentleman is well behaved, clean, and prompt, doesn't push boundaries or stay over more than a few minutes past the allotted time, they will receive a good recommendation. Most ladies are really good about this, and we all rely on each other, all over the country, not just Seattle area. (I've even relied on this system internationally!)

How much the do ladies refer to the gents participation on discussion boards?  A board presence helps a little, but it is not absolutely necessary. You can be a private person, and still participate fully as far as getting to see the ladies you want to see. But the trick is how to get the first two references. (Two being the operative number.)

Having been with one provider, you will have an easier time getting an appointment with a second one. Not to say it's easy. You may still have to jump though some hoops, disclosure of some personal info, etc. But at least you have the one, so that's good. If you want to be super courteous, send her a note saying you would like to use her as a reference. She should have no problems with that - after all this is not a committed relationship, right? Some women get possessive, unfortunately (another of my rants somewhere). But most are very understanding of you wanting to sample different flavors.

Remember, you are the one "shopping" for entertainment. You get to do the choosing, the reviewing, the researching or not -- all of that. "It's your oyster" as they say. Some ladies have such strict guidelines, etc, that it can be a little intimidating. But once you understand the legitimate reasons for some of that, you will be able to be more reassuring regarding your character. Your communication with them should be friendly, informative and open. The more info about you the better.

Hope that helps!

~Jillian

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Dear Jillian,

I have had a less-than-great experience with a provider. I understand the YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary) thing, but am not sure if I should write a review. Can you give me some guidance on this?

Sincerely,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Without knowing specifically what happened, it is difficult to give you specific advice. Mostly, I think if a guy has a mediocre experience, he should write a review. Sometimes guys will think, "Well, maybe it was just that she wasn't turned on by me..." or something like that. Nonsense! A good professional provider should always be kind and courteous. If she has an issue with a guy, and doesn't want to continue the session, she should say so up front and not charge him for her time. Those things happen occasionally. It's OK to be human, and there are graceful ways to get out of a date that aren't hurtful.

Another thing that you hear about is the "no-show". The commonly accepted rule here is to wait a day or so before you write anything in order to regain some perspective. Sometimes there is a legitimate reason for a "no-show". Write or phone her to ask what happened. If you don't get a satisfactory answer, feel free to post after the commonly recommended  24 hours "cooling off" period.

Occasionally there is a bait and switch, or a woman comes to the door not at all resembling the photos you saw, or the woman looks and acts bored out of her mind. These are the things that should be reported on a local board in a review. No need to wait 24 hours for that.

If a fellow has a bad experience, he does (should, IMO) post a review IMMEDIATELY! Fortunately there aren't too many of those in our community, but there are some. If something really bad has happened and you feel compelled to warn others for safety's sake, then by all means post! But first, call and report the situation to the police. They are there to protect the public. (A note: while violence, robbery, etc. have been reported locally, these things are rare in the board community, fortunately.)

Good luck!

~Jillian

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I have a fantasy of having my wife get a sensual massage from a woman while I watch. We have been married 1 year, and she is really beautiful. I know she likes women because she has made comments about the "nice ass" on other ladies. I am a little afraid that she might be lesbian, but I'm so excited by the idea of seeing her with another woman that it almost doesn't matter. We are coming into town, and I thought I would surprise her with a massage from you. Let me know what you think, I am not sure if this is my best or my worst idea ever.
-David

Dear David,
It sounds like you have a lovely sexy wife! You are very fortunate. But be careful. Surprising your wife with a sensual massage is not advisable. You are essentially inviting someone in to your intimate sphere without asking your wife what she thinks or feels about it. Slow down there, big guy! Be careful of misinterpreting her signals. This could be the shock of her life!

These things need to be approached very carefully, and presenting them as a fantasy is a good way to start. And it may not go any further than just having hot sex while talking about watching her be touched by another woman, and her responding to the sensation, etc. Eventually, if this goes well, you could bring up the possibility of doing what you are talking about...

I have had enough experience to know that men enjoy sex differently than women, for the most part. But sex does equal intimacy for both men and women. So tread carefully in this arena.

You need to do a bit more communicating with her to get her interested in this. An idea that would be good is to ask her if she would like a professional massage. Some hotels offer spa services that are outstanding, and she might really appreciate the thoughtfulness that went into your suggestion. After she has experienced the sensations of a massage by a woman and is all relaxed, when you two are alone you could ask her how it felt to be touched by a woman. Tell her about your fantasy then. This might be a nice entree into the topic of including another woman in a sensual/sexual encounter.

BTW, her comments about the nice ass of another woman, etc. do not necessarily mean that she is leaning hard the "other" way. Women are naturally appreciative of the curvy forms of each other. And, even more interestingly, she may just be showing appreciation of women in order to join you in the male "sport". By doing this, she is telling you "It's fine with me if you enjoy girl-watching, I think girls are lovely too".  If that's true, it is very sweet of her.

Best, Jillian

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Dear Jillian,

I have been a "lurker" for a while and now I'm ready to take the plunge into the hobby. But how?? It seems that so many ladies require at least two references, but how do I get them? It's a Catch-22. Do you have any advice for a newbie?

Sincerely,

A.S.

Dear "A.S."

Ladies will not typically "announce" that they have alternate methods of screening, but they might. Take heart. Begin a correspondence with several that you have your eye on. In your email, be totally up front about your situation. Be as descriptive with the details of your life currently as you can be. You are going to have to go through a bit of a wooing process. If she (they) write back with a definite "No", move on to someone else.

Here's the deal. They are taking a risk seeing someone with few (or in some cases no) references. You might be a weirdo, or LE (law enforcement). They will have to use their best intuitive abilities (always risky). And all of this takes time. Unpaid time, usually. And THAT is a problem. (An aside for the ladies: Many women THINK they have great intuitive powers. Proceed with utmost caution if you are one of these.)

Once you set your sights on someone, my suggestion is to offer to take her out for some social time, on the clock. Be prepared to disclose details and open up to her. It is one sided for sure, but you must understand the position she is in. After gathering all the info on you that she feels is pertinent, and verifying it, up one side and down the other, she will have to take the plunge (or not). It is a bit nerve-wracking.

Good luck,
Jillian
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